There were no surprises at the Nick Knowles Arena in Frumpton tonight, as worldwide dignitaries gathered to announce the award for ‘World’s Biggest C*nt’. The air was moist with both perspiration and anticipation, the crowd cheered as Steve Blandface did a sensational double winning both the award for ‘World’s Biggest C*nt’ and the lifetime achievement award.

Second placer, Barbara the Blue Whale commented after the result “my vagina is 1.2 metres long, and I have produced over 20 calves in the past 20 years and still Blandface beats me.” she said with her trademark smirk. 

Going further the beaten Blue Whale chuckled “based on the mathematics of my massive mammal mott, I thought the surface area alone would guarantee me a win this year. I have to take my hat off to him, he really is the world’s biggest c*nt!”

Howard Swan in third place, the world leader of handcrafting clown’s pockets and wizard’s sleeves, was consoled by onlookers but promised to come back bigger and better next year.

Blandfaced said to gleeful onlookers in his acceptance speech “thanks to everyone, I always like to keep my tools sharp by acting like a proper c*nt every day. Visualize it, act it be it!”

David ‘Big D’ Cheeseburger the owner of Wow Super Trade and naive sponsor of the event said “It is great to get back to what we know and acknowledge the world’s biggest c*nts. Maybe if we pay enough money ourselves to the event, we can win a team award next year”.

Hamilton Devereux

Beard enthusiast Hamilton Deveraux, is one of Frumptons leading niche coffee drinking journalists. Having crafted his career in gender-neutral politics, Hamilton brings the sword of truth to the Unreal News Network.