Casual Friday is turning into casual May, as ample-waisted workers are returning to Wow Super Trade from lockdown. Employees found that their pre-lockdown work attire no longer fitted after long lockdown lunches, leading to an obese workforce.

Colin Beanbag, Head of Excel spreadsheets, said “I thought the lockdown would give me a chance to work on the new me. Well, there is a new bit to me, my large belly due to lack of movement, and excess alcohol consumption has led me to get absurdly fat”.

Many commentators have labelled this the ‘COVID Kilos’. Many sedentary people have expanded their waistlines and their knowledge of sourdough bread in the ten weeks of seclusion.

John Bagpipe, the presenter of ‘Wacky Wall Street Week’ a popular YouTube channel ran by Wow Super Trade, which takes a sideways look at the financial markets, said “not only are waistlines rocketing, so are stocks in man-Spanx, dividends earnings are expected to be meaty. I wanted to work on learning yoga during the break, but I only managed to work on having last night’s curry for breakfast on a daily basis” chuckled the tubby markets funster.

A spokesman for Wow Super Trade said that their office-based social distancing practices needed to be redrawn after basing their calculations on the size of employees pre-lockdown. The average space of the larger employee’s would take up now would break the two-metre spacing required by Frumpton County Council Health and Safety Department.

Hamilton Devereux

Beard enthusiast Hamilton Deveraux, is one of Frumptons leading niche coffee drinking journalists. Having crafted his career in gender-neutral politics, Hamilton brings the sword of truth to the Unreal News Network.